Confession

I am a fraud. I earned a college degree by accident. I’m supposed to be an electrical engineer, yet I seem to be unable to do many things that an actual electrical engineer should be able to do. Somehow I graduated from school with honors. I know nothing. It’s true. If you looked in one of my textbooks, picked a random question and asked me for some kind of solution or answer, I would give you a deer-in-headlights look and probably bullshit some kind of response.

I’ve said many times I love to learn. This is true, but it’s more along the lines of accumulating vast stores of knowledge with very little practical application. I have a grasp of many a foundation and background concept, but advancing beyond that brings me great stress and I often feel like a failure. I have no confidence in what I know.

After recently getting pushed out of the Moon Door, I feel like I have to make a change. I have a professional licensing exam in just over 3 months to study for and upon looking at the voluminous brick doorstop study book I purchased several weeks ago, I am acutely aware that I have much work to do.

When I graduated college, I was burned out and unmotivated. 13 months later I feel very much the same way. I am drifting along with a job that has no hope of professional growth or development and am spending the majority of my non-work waking hours simply existing. The prospect of re-learning my college curriculum is terrifying me and I feel it’s a task that at present is nigh impossible.

This is where I bring up some proverb about starting a journey with a single step or climbing a mountain or some cliche nonsense. Well unfortunately, that is the exact outlook I need right now. I have thousands of pages of engineering knowledge to absorb and I need a kick in the ass to get me going.

Dear future self: if you aren’t making significant progress and you’re reading this again, what the hell is wrong with you? Just (expletive) do it. Be a better person. Stop being such a dummy. Ready?

Go.

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3 thoughts on “Confession”

  1. That’s a lot like how I feel at times too. I’m studying for it too and its just so hard to bring yourself in to the right frame of mind to study. It’s hard because it feels like so much is riding on it and I’m so afraid of failing. Learning is something I love almost more than anything else, and if I can’t even pass a lousy test on what I was supposed to learn in school, what does that say about me? Was my “learning” and loving of it all a lie? How much could I really have learned if I can’t pass a test where 50% is passing? Those are the same fears I struggle with too. You feel like you know what your supposed to, but then when your posed a question or a real life situation you kind of don’t know where to even start, almost over whelmed.
    Point is, you’re not alone. You just can’t give up. I know its easier said than done, but you just have to have faith that what you learned in school will actually get you through. Also, its possible that maybe engineering just isn’t right, and that you’ll find a passion in some other field. Either way, I know you’ll be fine, you worked too hard not to be.

  2. I’m hearing humility, reality, and wisdom. College is just foundation. Remember graduation was commencement, the beginning if life-long learning. Experience and struggle teaches more than “book-learning”! I see real growth.

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